dotdotdot

to bury down or drown beneath a huge mass. to defeat completely. to over power.
its what i feel right now. overwhelmed. there's just too much going on for me right now. between various personal issues that are driving me apart to school; academically, socially, and otherwise. i've tweeted a metaphor for whats happening to me right now. i likened my life to driving downhill, "a while ago i posted a tweet saying, "my life's headed downhill... not in the uberly dramatic sense, but a slight roll, like with the parking brake not engaged." now it seems like my brake lines have been cut and i was the bastard who did it. who's going to save me from myself?".
or as i put it elsewhere (longboarding forum) " i feel like a new guy going down his first hill without knowing how to stop. its scary as shit, and you dont know whether it's going to give you the rush of your life of make you end up in crutches."

i guess i have been screwing myself over this year. i havent been taking things seriously. especially school. hell, i should be doing homework right now at 1 am, but i'm busy ranting and raving about how overwhelmed i feel. i've been irresponsible; i am being irresponsible. what i do now affects me later. i know this, i just dont heed it. this whole year, escept when i was participating in the fall play, i would come home at three, and screw around on the web till around 6, when i would tell myself to get cracking at my homework. and i did, i really did. but then i'd open up the books, feel a bit of desperation, and just blank. i'd be sitting at my desk, screwing around, until it magically became 10 pm. i'd be wondering what the hell i was doing for the last 4 hours, or the three before then. i'd start working furiously, then get sidetracked again. i often didnt finish the meagerest of assignments till 1 am or later. and i would still have more homework that i hadnt done.

i know its not right. i guess i'm writing this mostly to come to better terms with how stupid i've been. i'm the main reason i'm in this situation. i guess thats why in my tweet, i said, "i was the bastard who did it". although i confess, i believe there are others beyond my control, things i dont want to get into on this public blog. i know writing this whole thing is stupid, but i guess i'll feel some relief from someone knowing why the hell i've been a class act ass to all my good friends. any of you who read this, know this: i'm sorry for being who i am, a jerk. i dont mean to, but i have my moods, and its not pretty. lately it seems i've been trapped in it perpetually, and again i'm sorry. i'm trying to be a better person right now, for both myself, and all of you, its just incredibly hard right now. please just stand by me, and bear with all this stuff i shove on you.

my life is going downhill right now. i just cant wait till i start the hike back to the top to do it all over again.