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to bury down or drown beneath a huge mass. to defeat completely. to over power.
its what i feel right now. overwhelmed. there's just too much going on for me right now. between various personal issues that are driving me apart to school; academically, socially, and otherwise. i've tweeted a metaphor for whats happening to me right now. i likened my life to driving downhill, "a while ago i posted a tweet saying, "my life's headed downhill... not in the uberly dramatic sense, but a slight roll, like with the parking brake not engaged." now it seems like my brake lines have been cut and i was the bastard who did it. who's going to save me from myself?".
or as i put it elsewhere (longboarding forum) " i feel like a new guy going down his first hill without knowing how to stop. its scary as shit, and you dont know whether it's going to give you the rush of your life of make you end up in crutches."

i guess i have been screwing myself over this year. i havent been taking things seriously. especially school. hell, i should be doing homework right now at 1 am, but i'm busy ranting and raving about how overwhelmed i feel. i've been irresponsible; i am being irresponsible. what i do now affects me later. i know this, i just dont heed it. this whole year, escept when i was participating in the fall play, i would come home at three, and screw around on the web till around 6, when i would tell myself to get cracking at my homework. and i did, i really did. but then i'd open up the books, feel a bit of desperation, and just blank. i'd be sitting at my desk, screwing around, until it magically became 10 pm. i'd be wondering what the hell i was doing for the last 4 hours, or the three before then. i'd start working furiously, then get sidetracked again. i often didnt finish the meagerest of assignments till 1 am or later. and i would still have more homework that i hadnt done.

i know its not right. i guess i'm writing this mostly to come to better terms with how stupid i've been. i'm the main reason i'm in this situation. i guess thats why in my tweet, i said, "i was the bastard who did it". although i confess, i believe there are others beyond my control, things i dont want to get into on this public blog. i know writing this whole thing is stupid, but i guess i'll feel some relief from someone knowing why the hell i've been a class act ass to all my good friends. any of you who read this, know this: i'm sorry for being who i am, a jerk. i dont mean to, but i have my moods, and its not pretty. lately it seems i've been trapped in it perpetually, and again i'm sorry. i'm trying to be a better person right now, for both myself, and all of you, its just incredibly hard right now. please just stand by me, and bear with all this stuff i shove on you.

my life is going downhill right now. i just cant wait till i start the hike back to the top to do it all over again.

i've been getting much more into photography lately, if you couldnt tell. if one of my close friends, you're probably irritated by the mere sight of that sling across my shoulder that has that dreaded camera and flash within it. and i admit, i'm becoming quite the gear-rhymes-with-horse. but can you blame me? camera gear is just tantalizing. there's always something to acquire. and the problem with this damned thing is that its so damned expensive. i just wish i had a job to fund my G.A.S., or, Gear Acquisition Syndrome.

lately i've been eyeing some new glass and some flash related gear. the glass being a stunning wide angle zoom Tokina 16.5-135mm f/3.6-5.6. produces some sharp photos. beautiful lens. i also fancy a 28mm wide angle prime. but me pops says no more primes as they, in his eyes, are useless and irritating, though i personally love prime lenses. theres just something about them... *sigh*. i really love the bokeh effect, especially when applied to portraits. stunning. i've been trying to mimic a stunning portrait i stumbled across while messing around flickr. and lately, i've been reading more and more, and experimenting with my camera more and more. i have learnt so much in the last two months about my camera, its unbelievable.

now this is going to seem irrelevant to the main idea of this post (for those of you who cant connect the dots, its photography), today is school we had an assembly. no, thankfully not one of those annoying rallies which do nothing but deafen everyone and confuse the hell out of them. we had a public speaker, Jeff Yalden.yes the dude from the MTV show, Made. and he was pretty good. he truly did say some motivational things, and made me realize something. but thats not the point, nor something i'll be posting to the interwebz for the whole world to potentially see. at one point during his rather entertaining speech, i took off my glasses to clean off with my shirt. i looked up at the guy sitting next to me, my favorite Freshie, mikey. his face was absolutely in focus, and all that hallabalooo. of course my photographer instincts saw all this. while wiping my glasses off, i looked up, and glanced at the people sitting on the bleachers across the basketball court, and all i could see was a mass or different colors; facial; skin tones, hair, clothes. i thought two things, first being "damn i'm freaking blind!" and two "hey this is pretty cool. it'd make for a stunning shot, really. it's kinda like seeing in Bokeh!". and thats what i've been trying to get to!

i guess you could say that my nearsightedness could be an equivalent of a low depth-of-field. its really cool really. as a photographer, i found this rather exciting and interesting. i guess another reason i love photography so much, is that i can truly see through the lens. but its interesting because theres a whole different perspective. and i guess that truly helps make my style different than most, even if at this point, i dont have my very own unique style. its just very interesting to me how this works!

now to prove your assumptions that i'm a bipolar writer true, i'm jumping back a ton.i'm a total gear-rhymes-with-horse. i like photography gear. makes me feel better. and its motivational. i feel like doing more when i have a new "toy" to play with, and to master! i really want a mobile strobe kit, but unfortunately, i really honestly do not have the wallet to afford one. or else, bye-ye life's savings! however, recently, i discovered flash umbrella bracket! yes! its kinda like using a flash as a less powerful strobe thingie! or pretty much, i'm playing with off-camera flash. i found this kit for $35 that's an umbrella, a flash bracket, and a stand! all i need in addition to that is a flash trigger, as my bloody camera doesnt have a slave option for my flash. thats just $70 right there, and thats technically speaking, better than buying a cheap quality strobe kit, with very few options, because my flash is bloody powerful. if i want to mess with more advanced techniques, i can buy an additional, $70 cheap flash for use as a hair light, or just as another light source in general, while i use my actual flash as the main light source.

now something i definitely need to nab up soon is a good 5-1 reflector. if i want to do outdoor portraits, it would be sooooooo useful! either a diffuser, warming reflector, cooling reflector, natural, etc.i've also heard of techniques where people bounce off of the reflector, though that does take a litle more skill in the bounce, and a larger reflector. good lighting gets me these days.

and speaking of good lighting, my city's recently switched out our normal orange streetlamps with these really bright and consistent white lights. man, do the cast a nice light! its just bloody hard to capture an image in with out the light falling the way iw ant it. just tonight, errrrr, last night, i had a micro photo shoot with my bro and his friends underneath one. it cast great light, and provided great fill light as well. took a few rather good quick shots, though i think i would have been able to do better if i had the time to take the photo. but its cool, and i'm definitely gonna try it again soon.

now on december 30, 2010, i started this cool photography project called project 3765, which is basically taking a photograph every single day, for 365 days. its been pretty hard, and i slipped up one day, but i'm trying. i had started several websites to post the photos to, for exposure and what not! pretty cool huh! here is a link to one of them on a photoblog site: photoblog! and its great. very simple layout, with a good file size limit. plus 5 photos per post, not much of a limit. preettyy cool. i also discovered the project's site, and i created an account to show off my shots there as well... her it is. i know, i know, i'm rather behind. well, i ahvent exactly uploaded photos to my computer recently. so i'll egt to it promptly... :P

and so i've just been experimenting alot. its fun. i recently got a freebie gel sample book from dram, and i use those gels to keep either infront of the lens or over the flash for cool effects. the gel over the lens tends to have a milder effect while the gel overth flash disperses colored light interestingly, and makes the light more drastically than it is. i personally thinkits pretty cool, and very fun to play with!

anyways, i want to go to bed and try to fall asleep though i know it'll evade me for a few hours. comment, and what not! make it be known i dont waste my time with this all for something no one will read!