to bury down or drown beneath a huge mass. to defeat completely. to over power.
its what i feel right now. overwhelmed. there's just too much going on for me right now. between various personal issues that are driving me apart to school; academically, socially, and otherwise. i've tweeted a metaphor for whats happening to me right now. i likened my life to driving downhill, "a while ago i posted a tweet saying, "my life's headed downhill... not in the uberly dramatic sense, but a slight roll, like with the parking brake not engaged." now it seems like my brake lines have been cut and i was the bastard who did it. who's going to save me from myself?".
or as i put it elsewhere (longboarding forum) " i feel like a new guy going down his first hill without knowing how to stop. its scary as shit, and you dont know whether it's going to give you the rush of your life of make you end up in crutches."
i guess i have been screwing myself over this year. i havent been taking things seriously. especially school. hell, i should be doing homework right now at 1 am, but i'm busy ranting and raving about how overwhelmed i feel. i've been irresponsible; i am being irresponsible. what i do now affects me later. i know this, i just dont heed it. this whole year, escept when i was participating in the fall play, i would come home at three, and screw around on the web till around 6, when i would tell myself to get cracking at my homework. and i did, i really did. but then i'd open up the books, feel a bit of desperation, and just blank. i'd be sitting at my desk, screwing around, until it magically became 10 pm. i'd be wondering what the hell i was doing for the last 4 hours, or the three before then. i'd start working furiously, then get sidetracked again. i often didnt finish the meagerest of assignments till 1 am or later. and i would still have more homework that i hadnt done.
i know its not right. i guess i'm writing this mostly to come to better terms with how stupid i've been. i'm the main reason i'm in this situation. i guess thats why in my tweet, i said, "i was the bastard who did it". although i confess, i believe there are others beyond my control, things i dont want to get into on this public blog. i know writing this whole thing is stupid, but i guess i'll feel some relief from someone knowing why the hell i've been a class act ass to all my good friends. any of you who read this, know this: i'm sorry for being who i am, a jerk. i dont mean to, but i have my moods, and its not pretty. lately it seems i've been trapped in it perpetually, and again i'm sorry. i'm trying to be a better person right now, for both myself, and all of you, its just incredibly hard right now. please just stand by me, and bear with all this stuff i shove on you.
my life is going downhill right now. i just cant wait till i start the hike back to the top to do it all over again.
i've been getting much more into photography lately, if you couldnt tell. if one of my close friends, you're probably irritated by the mere sight of that sling across my shoulder that has that dreaded camera and flash within it. and i admit, i'm becoming quite the gear-rhymes-with-horse. but can you blame me? camera gear is just tantalizing. there's always something to acquire. and the problem with this damned thing is that its so damned expensive. i just wish i had a job to fund my G.A.S., or, Gear Acquisition Syndrome.
lately i've been eyeing some new glass and some flash related gear. the glass being a stunning wide angle zoom Tokina 16.5-135mm f/3.6-5.6. produces some sharp photos. beautiful lens. i also fancy a 28mm wide angle prime. but me pops says no more primes as they, in his eyes, are useless and irritating, though i personally love prime lenses. theres just something about them... *sigh*. i really love the bokeh effect, especially when applied to portraits. stunning. i've been trying to mimic a stunning portrait i stumbled across while messing around flickr. and lately, i've been reading more and more, and experimenting with my camera more and more. i have learnt so much in the last two months about my camera, its unbelievable.
now this is going to seem irrelevant to the main idea of this post (for those of you who cant connect the dots, its photography), today is school we had an assembly. no, thankfully not one of those annoying rallies which do nothing but deafen everyone and confuse the hell out of them. we had a public speaker, Jeff Yalden.yes the dude from the MTV show, Made. and he was pretty good. he truly did say some motivational things, and made me realize something. but thats not the point, nor something i'll be posting to the interwebz for the whole world to potentially see. at one point during his rather entertaining speech, i took off my glasses to clean off with my shirt. i looked up at the guy sitting next to me, my favorite Freshie, mikey. his face was absolutely in focus, and all that hallabalooo. of course my photographer instincts saw all this. while wiping my glasses off, i looked up, and glanced at the people sitting on the bleachers across the basketball court, and all i could see was a mass or different colors; facial; skin tones, hair, clothes. i thought two things, first being "damn i'm freaking blind!" and two "hey this is pretty cool. it'd make for a stunning shot, really. it's kinda like seeing in Bokeh!". and thats what i've been trying to get to!
i guess you could say that my nearsightedness could be an equivalent of a low depth-of-field. its really cool really. as a photographer, i found this rather exciting and interesting. i guess another reason i love photography so much, is that i can truly see through the lens. but its interesting because theres a whole different perspective. and i guess that truly helps make my style different than most, even if at this point, i dont have my very own unique style. its just very interesting to me how this works!
now to prove your assumptions that i'm a bipolar writer true, i'm jumping back a ton.i'm a total gear-rhymes-with-horse. i like photography gear. makes me feel better. and its motivational. i feel like doing more when i have a new "toy" to play with, and to master! i really want a mobile strobe kit, but unfortunately, i really honestly do not have the wallet to afford one. or else, bye-ye life's savings! however, recently, i discovered flash umbrella bracket! yes! its kinda like using a flash as a less powerful strobe thingie! or pretty much, i'm playing with off-camera flash. i found this kit for $35 that's an umbrella, a flash bracket, and a stand! all i need in addition to that is a flash trigger, as my bloody camera doesnt have a slave option for my flash. thats just $70 right there, and thats technically speaking, better than buying a cheap quality strobe kit, with very few options, because my flash is bloody powerful. if i want to mess with more advanced techniques, i can buy an additional, $70 cheap flash for use as a hair light, or just as another light source in general, while i use my actual flash as the main light source.
now something i definitely need to nab up soon is a good 5-1 reflector. if i want to do outdoor portraits, it would be sooooooo useful! either a diffuser, warming reflector, cooling reflector, natural, etc.i've also heard of techniques where people bounce off of the reflector, though that does take a litle more skill in the bounce, and a larger reflector. good lighting gets me these days.
and speaking of good lighting, my city's recently switched out our normal orange streetlamps with these really bright and consistent white lights. man, do the cast a nice light! its just bloody hard to capture an image in with out the light falling the way iw ant it. just tonight, errrrr, last night, i had a micro photo shoot with my bro and his friends underneath one. it cast great light, and provided great fill light as well. took a few rather good quick shots, though i think i would have been able to do better if i had the time to take the photo. but its cool, and i'm definitely gonna try it again soon.
now on december 30, 2010, i started this cool photography project called project 3765, which is basically taking a photograph every single day, for 365 days. its been pretty hard, and i slipped up one day, but i'm trying. i had started several websites to post the photos to, for exposure and what not! pretty cool huh! here is a link to one of them on a photoblog site: photoblog! and its great. very simple layout, with a good file size limit. plus 5 photos per post, not much of a limit. preettyy cool. i also discovered the project's site, and i created an account to show off my shots there as well... her it is. i know, i know, i'm rather behind. well, i ahvent exactly uploaded photos to my computer recently. so i'll egt to it promptly... :P
and so i've just been experimenting alot. its fun. i recently got a freebie gel sample book from dram, and i use those gels to keep either infront of the lens or over the flash for cool effects. the gel over the lens tends to have a milder effect while the gel overth flash disperses colored light interestingly, and makes the light more drastically than it is. i personally thinkits pretty cool, and very fun to play with!
anyways, i want to go to bed and try to fall asleep though i know it'll evade me for a few hours. comment, and what not! make it be known i dont waste my time with this all for something no one will read!
alot.
i really do. a good pen is a real instrument. and very useful. i'm in a constant search for a favorite pen. i thought i had finally found one when i had discovered the pilot v5 some years ago, and i sued it alot. 'tis still one of my favorite liquid ink pens by far. as far as gel ink pens, i have had many. one of my most recents, is an indian pen, a Cello Magna. talk about buttery smooth.
but as of late, i have decided to look more into fountain pens. i really love writing with fountain pens and quills (AKA dipping pens). the main thing i have hated about them, though, is the price, of both the pens, let alone the ink. there's something about them, that just keeps me loving them, when i cant afford to shell out 8 bucks for 4 tiny cartridges that would only last me a few days of daily writing. i really hate cartridges. especially the refillable ones. they're so inconsistant, and you always have to worry about them drying up. such a pain in the arse. not to mention the over all maitenence o the pens is just a killer draw back.
recently, however, i discovered the revival of an older technique of using fountain pens, the eyedropper method. it essentially is filling a fountain pen's barrel straight up with ink, forgoing the cartridges i despise. i didnt have the heart to fill any of my pens up with ink, until recently i read about a cheap fountain pen on The Pen Addict, the Pilot Penmanship. eagerly, i read more and more on it, until i found out it is a favorite to eyedropper mod, next to another pen i had found out about in my quest for cheap fountain pens.
now, on Jet Pens, i found the the Penmanship for $7.50. not bad. not bad at all. it would fit my budget rather nicely. i had honestly never expected to find such a wide berth of cheap fountain pens. as it turn out, cheap, and often disposable, fountain pens have been the latest writing trend. you can just guess how thrilled i am bout that! so in y quest for searching for the ulimate cheap fountain pen, i chanced upon the Platinum Preppy, a favorite for eyedropper pens. and i now see why. falling at just $3 at jetpens, i thought this pen would be ideal for the mod. i promptly added one of them to cart along with a Penmanship.
later, however, i deleted it, as in my search for a good ink, i chanced upon a great deal. Noodler's inks, are by far, the best ink i have used. their inks are just fabulous. they have so many varieties, that i initially had a ton of trouble deciding which one to buy. i had read much about it, and so i knew i just had to go with Noodler's. finally, i saw The Heart of Darkness color, a truly dark black ink. available in a 4.5oz bottle with an eyedropper lid, i knew this is the ink i wanted. just $19 too! and now, the reason i deleted the Preppy from the cart, is that the ink came with a free, unmarked Preppy, pre-modded for eyedropper use!! i soon had my dad order me the ink with the free pen, as well as a Penmanship.
so, within 2 days or so of ordering, i had the package on my doorstep! i got rather close to being as excited as when my new longboard came (i havent written about that yet, have i?). and i assure you, i was pretty damn excited. i ran inside, and i opened up the box and yanked out the ink and the preppy, and promptly filled it at my desk, and began doodling. i think i'm in love. i have finally found my favorite pen. it wrote so smooth, also thanks to the lubricated Noodler's ink. i didnt have to deal with the tedious task of filling the cartridge, and i jut got straight to writing, a dream come true! it also meant i didnt have to deal with potential air pockets in the cartridge, making the flow inconsistent.
i havent filled my penmanship just yet, as i dont have an o-ring to seal up the threads, but i'm sure i'll be rather please with it as well. i have decided to stock up on Preppies, as i've just fallen inlove with their cheap, amazingness. plus i have oodles of ink to doodle with.
and i assure you. i'm not weird at all.
just eccentric.
well, my grades have dropped ever so slightly since my last post.. sad, but they shall be up soon. i hope. since the last post much has happened. ankles better, so i'm out on Layla more often, which is amazing. MVSNL was a success, rehearsal for C.O.E. is going strong. been doing some good stuff in photography, lets see what else...
i dunno, really.
so i'm gonna make this post about MVSNL. in all, total success. we completely sol out the first show, not sure about the second, but it was packed! it was oodles of fun! like seriously! i took loads of portraits backstage of fellow cast members on the second, and closing night. i figured out how to bounce my flash really well. i mean, i had read up on it and all, but never really tried it very much.i think i've gotten a good feel for how to bounce light off of where at what angle and degree for highlights on this part of the face. this following picture for instance is my first bounced photo. turned out damn good IMO.
there was this wall directly across from the backstage doors, that i just fell in love with. it bounced the light beautifully, and made the photos real warm.
this one turned out great. slightly too white ish, but otherwise, still nice and well lit over all. i also took a few with out flash but only one or two came out really noteworthy. this one was one of them:
i wish the background was nicer, but thanks to a good bokeh from my trusty nifty fifty, the parking lot served well enough. i also began to shoot manual a bit later, and stuck to it for a while. i do say, it yielded some of my best shots for the night. it darkened the skin tones enough that they didn't seemed washed out by the flash. also, it managed to turn the background black in may photos, and added some pretty epic light and shadow affects if i may say so myself.
heres one of my favorites, of Karina and my new apprentice in the ways of awesomeness, Mikey.
now re' that photography rule, called the Rule of Thirds. which is basically you frame your subject in one of the three thirds, that separate a frame horizontally. typically you avoid the center third for a more interesting photo. but i think there should be a rule of halfs, as sometimes, you just cant use the rule of thirds (especially with a fixed zoom lens!). also, i sometimes love photo bombers. especially like this. oh it would have been so epic if there wasnt bokeh, but it kinda's cool with it:
well, yes i'm sorry about that! and, crooks, since you're like the only one who actually checks this blog every now and then, say this word to me next time you see me after reading this: megalodon.
hell anyone who knows me, say that to me!! but yea, I've been pretty busy since my last post.
school isn't so bad yet.
yet.
hmm lets see, the end of summer, went to Puerto Rico with my pops and bro. had a real blast. its honestly a beautiful island. we did alot there. we went deep sea fishin'. my bor caught like a 275lb Blue Marlin, while i brought in a 4ft long Barracuda!! fantasmic revenge for the bloody 'cuda that ate my baby tuna that i had hooked in the Bahamas about 5 years prior. also, we went zip-lining. man! was that a BLAST!! the food was rather good too; well, at certain places. there's a place we liked so much we went back there 3 times!!
so in school, i have been studying hard... but yet i already have an A- and 3 Bs... bollocks! ah wel, i'm gonna need to start working harder. i auditioned for the school fall play, and managed to hook the role of Antipholus of Syracuse in Shakespeare's Comedy Of Errors...
yoikes there's so many lines you have no idea! I've been stressing like mad!!! argghhh!!! i don't even know how i was chosen! this is seriously my first full length play since i was 8 or 9. mind blowing, i know. and even then, i only had tree lines then!! I'm really freaking out about lines, but I'm also really excited, because its gonna be oodles of fun!
now lets see, what else?
oh yea, I'd like to thank crooks again for having the coolest birthday party ever by taking us to the Green Day concert on the 4th of this month. it was amazing! honestly, musically, i have been to better concerts, but show wise, easily one of the best shows I've ever been to!! they put on an amazing show!! it was the last show of their tour, so they really pulled out all the works! coolest part? they said that they were recording the concert for a live album!!! so sweet!
speaking of concerts, i have 2 other concerts this month I'm really looking forward to!! on the 22nd, i have a Blue October concert! I'm really excited because i missed them last time 'round at the Fillmore because my dad fell sick last minute, and my mum couldn't take me. but hell, that's the past, and i am going this year!! Also, on the 30th, I'm going to see Jimmy Eat World live!! that's one show I'm honestly stoked out of my mind for!! GAHHHH!!! I'M SO EXCITED!!! J.E.W. (hey! it spells "jew" coolio!) is such an awesome band!!
speaking of stoke for you longboarding readers, (ok i'm using that phrase a tad too much), i have an order placed for a clutch jailbait with custom dyed purple/black carbon fiber!! woo! i'm incredibly stoked for that board to come!! thinking of setting it up with gunmetals and Oops! , or possibly Indy's or Hybrids... honestly cant decide yet. but i'm really excited. also, i've found a ton of new longboarding friends!! thats really exciting, cuz now i have people to go ride with. in fact i had a sesh last saturday, but i had to miss it because some stupid girl just totally ruined my skating for the next 2 months... well, 2 weeks, but i'm not taking any risks because of the play.
basically, on thursday, on my way to school, some stupid girl was crossing the street to the sidewalk where i was riding t a decent pace. she made eye contact with me when she had stepped up onto the cub. i had obviously no room to stop, nor any to go around her. yet the numbskull decided to step right infront of me. i attempted to carve around her as not to totally deck her. thanks to my latest bushing combo of 93a and 88a venom elims, my front trucks got around. unfortunately, my rear trucks didnt entirely. my left wheel hit the dirt, stalling my board, thus sending me flying off. whcih, by the way, is not a very fun way to start the day. i landed with pretty much all my force on my left ankle, which is now sprained. 2 week downtime. but i'm taking 2 months, because i really do not want to jeopardize the play.
ok so yea, thats it for now. some news about the blog. i'm planning on changing the layout, as this one's getting old... so if you have any recommendations for sites that do really cool, and simple layouts for free, please comment here! also, i'm changing the style of my blog from very infrequent, but überly long posts that probably bore the lot of you to death, so semi-frequent, blog posts, and i may also use this as a photo blog... no not like how people use tumblr. like i may post some photos i took and like and wanna share, or someone else's photo i like alot. i dunno. let it just be know that changes shall be made soon!
but oddly enough, there haven't been.
i didn't even realize its been a whole bloody month without me writing on my own blog.I've been much too preoccupied with sleeping, and screwing around. sometimes i'm nuttier than squirrel poo. amazing phrase wasn't that? i know you're just laughing your head off in you chair right now. oh thank you Harry Potter!
i honestly haven't been up to much this whole summer. I've, as my brother puts it, "slept my whole effing summer away, dumb ass!".
well, its true. staying up till 2 or later, then waking up in the PM equivalent hasn't proven the most productive tactic, eh? so I'm starting to get back off my ass, and get productive. or so i keep telling myself and my family.
well, i remember promising a post birthday post, so here's a chunk of one, no matter how delayed.
my birthday it self was very nice. and just plain amazing. i woke up decently early, considering, and was greeted with many "happy birthdays" from my family. i honestly couldn't believe i was now officially 15. like i had said, thanks to toy story 3, i was beginning to dread my birthday, but now, a month later, i realized how stupid i was. sure I'm growing up.sure, i have toys that i haven't played with in years. but that isn't bad. i can play with those anytime i want. and believe me i do. no matter how old i am, nor how big i am, I'm just a little kid inside, as we all are, somewhere.
well, after i realized my stupidity, i chilled, my pops decided to tell me to get dressed, and said he was taking me some where. so i did, and my whole family came with me. my dad had decided to surprise me and take me to the camera store! man, you have no idea how over-joyed i was!
after a few minutes of anticipation, i had asked to buy the flash and 50mm lens i had been wanting for MONTHS!! along with some small accessories.after that, e went out for lunch. to Korean BBQ. for those of you who haven't been to the place we go to, Palace Korean BBQ,or Korean BBQ in general, its basically a big table, with a mini gas grill in the middle, and you grill marinated meats of your choice right there.
if you know me, you'd know, next to steak, in-n-out, and Brazilian BBQ, that's some of my favorite meat in the world. so at this very one, there's essentially a buffet of raw, marinated meats, ranging from chicken to squid sliver. my personal favorite is the spicy pork, and i totally gorged myself on that stuff. WORTH IT! anywho, after that, headed home, and chilled until dinner with family friends, at BJ's. it gave me a great opportunity to try out my new lens and flash.
but honestly turning 15 wasn't that big of a deal. the main thing i got out of it was growing oh so closer to driving. which is one of the things i've been truly wishing to do since i was a little kid. i have always loved cars, and everything to do with them. still do frankly. i'm known to randomly make sounds of a manual sports car gunning down the road, shifting gears and all. just because i was bored. i still play with my Hot Wheels cars and my proper models all the time. its just so satisfying. driving is the one thing i havent been able to wait for. i just want to sit behind the wheel soo bad!! everyone in my family jokes around saying i wont get a car till I'm 21, as I'm too reckless and will go too fast.
sure, i love speed. alot, but i have an insane respect for cars. unless its a TOTAL P.O.S., i wouldnt do anything that would put my car at risk! i looovves cars! as far as dream cars go, i have many. realistically, even somewhat, there are two. and that's either a '65-'67 Mustang GT500 Fastback (must be Fastback!) or a '68-'73 Corvette Stingray. my true less realistic, but still possible dream car would be a '63 Corvette Stingray, with split rear windows. man that cars so beautiful. i'd even settle for a '64 or maybe a '65, but the '63 is where my heart is. but the car i know i will never have a chance to own, but i still worship, is the unproduced, Corvette Mako Shark II. sexiest. car. ever.
but its not like i don't like sexy sports cars. believe me i do. i have a fantastic taste in cars, if i may say so myself. i love a goo lambo murcialago LP450, or better yet, a Diablo, and I'm partial to a Ferrari Enzo, and F50, but its all about the Bugatti Veyron!! i also do LOVE an Audi R8. ssoooooo beautiful!
as far as cars go, they need to be hot, and fast. and comfy. then they are awesome.
anyways, I'm off to bed. I'm ever so slightly tired after being chucked out of bed rather forcibly by my irritated brother, so 'gnight, and maybe if i DON'T promise to write another post soon, i'll actually do it, eh?
well, this summer so far, i've done nothing but sleeping till noon, or typically later, and go to sleep 'round 2ish+.i really ought to end it...
anyways, otherwise it hasnt been very eventful. i've been riding my new longboard, Layla quite often. she really is awesome. i dont regret buying her. i seriously suffer from G.A.S. though. also know as Gear Acquisition Syndrome. yea. whatever hobbies i get into, i always need to have a lot of things related to it.
happened when i yoyoed. then again, i was never any good, and only did it to chill with my bro. longboarding is actually something i like.
anyways. today, errrrr, yesterday was my birthday party. yes, as of today (today today) i'm 15.
this is crazy. thanks to Toy Story 3, i feel as if my childhood's ending. that movie brought back memories o my wee years, when there was nothing to worry about, everything was so easy, and i had no responsibilities. the ending of the movie hit me hard. i cant believe they had andy do that.
right after the movie, i went and played with all the old toys of mine i still have, including one woody and one buzz. so i was both anxious and slightly dreading it yet excited about my birthday coming right up. and then WHAM! (see there lit teacher? i used onomatopoeia!) it hit me. i really didnt see it coming. but now i'm 15. just half a year from driving. i cant wait. theres so much out there or me. yet i feel like my lifes starting to run out. i just turned 15 but my minds feels as if i turned 50. theres so much i've done, yet so much i havent. for my party, i reaaaalllyyy wanted to rent a 4-in-1 jumphouse. it would have been so epic! but i was stupid and i didnt really plan my party.
and somethings really odd. lately there has been birds chirping away through out the wee hours o the morn'. seriously, what the hell?
WILL THEY SHUT UP? its so annoying!! better than cicadas at any rate.
anywho, i'm off to bed, and i'll write up a post birthday post.
